The Hylian Times
by Triforce90
Summary: Take a look at Hyrule's only newspaper, filled with so many ridiculous news articles that you can't help but roll your eyes at. Updated daily. Don't read if you're not going to review.
1. March 28

**Citizens Shocked! Bean Man Not Who He Seems?  
**By Neil Titzzle

Edgar van Rippo (age 40) was arrested at five o'clock in the afternoon on March 22. The aforementioned man, who made a living out of selling supposed "magic beans" was accused of being a lying cheapskate and, overall, a burden to society.

"I'm not even kidding you," said Link (age 10), the young boy who reported this strange man. "I mean, yeah, I found it odd that his prices kept going up every time I bought a bean from him, but I didn't expect the beans to grow into giant and murderous stocks in sev-... days. Seven days."

Rippo, better known as "The Bean Man", was brought into Hyrule Square to be flogged, tortured, and brutally stoned by thousands of jeering peers. Had Link not reported him to authorities, who knows how many other people he could've ripped off/brutally maimed?

"So I planted one of his beans, right?" asks Link.

"Yes," responded our reporter.

"Well, in seven ye-... days, the bean grew up into this giant pad of some sort. I stepped on it (I mean... who wouldn't?) and to my large surprise, the thing shot up into the air and started zooming around! I'm not even kidding you!"

Apparently, when Link stepped onto this strange plant, it zoomed around so fast that he had to duck and grab on to the edges of the leaf just to keep from getting blown off. To add to his sense of shock, the bean ran him into a flock of Guay (big, bad, malicious, and overall annoying little birds that eat corn and poo on window sills), which maliciously beat the snot out of poor young Link. Link, who was miles above Lake Hylia, fell off of the pod and landed on the water on his back, causing a very large pain to sear through his fragile body.

Link was very lucky to be saved by the young Zora princess named Ruto, who just so happened to be swimming in the lake's warm waters.

"I'm lucky to have been there," reported the princess (age 9). "There I was, swimming along, when all of the sudden, Link drops out of the sky and gives a back flop that could've shattered the spine of a cow. He slowly began to sink, but I grabbed hold of him and swam him to shore. There, I proceeded in giving him the breath of life."

"The woman gave me ichthyosis," said Link, a bothered look on his face.

(Ichthyosis, according to Dr. SuchnSuch, is a rare stomach disease given only to humans who have swallowed Zora saliva. Symptoms include vomiting, diarrhea, andkooky dreams.)

Link, after recovering from his external injuries and a case of seriously annoying ichthyosis, proceeded in filing a lawsuit against Rippo. The trial was held on Tuesday, March 28, in the Hyrule Courthouse. Princess Zelda (age 10), the judge of the Hyrule Courthouse, sentenced Rippo to pay Link 500 rupees in cash and to perform 7 hours of community service. Rippo, who was sweating profusely, loudly exclaimed that he would not see to the sentence. He was later dragged off to prison.

Many of Rippo's fans did not agree with this punishment.

"I don't see why Link had to file a lawsuit against Mr. Rippo," explained Angela (age 23), self-proclaimed as Rippo's "number one buyer". "Seriously. I've heard less bull come out of Kaepora Gaebora."

Rippo, who was sentenced to nine days in prison and was ordered to agree to his sentence, was later arrested (in prison) for public exposure.

"It dawned on us that Mr. Rippo had not been wearing a shirt in the courthouse," explained Charlie, captain of the Hyrule Squadron of Absolute Nothingness. "Such indecent exposure was an insult to the princess, ourselves, and Hyrule."

Angela did not agree with this statement either.

"Oh please," scoffed the woman as she was questioned about her thoughts. "This is nothing more than a way to get Rippo to pay money and time to the country of Hyrule. He's done nothing wrong."

The second trial is to be held on Thursday, March 30, where Rippo has already been ordered to wear a shirt. Princess Zelda gladly urges parents to bring the kids.

"With the Hyrule Court system, kids can learn what it's like to work for the Hylian justice system," explained the princess. "Hopefully, kids can also learn not to become people like Rippo."

Copyright March Hylian Times


	2. March 29

A/N: I would just like to take this time to say that, after comparing the number of Hits this fic has to the number of Reviews, if you're not going to review, don't even read this. Thank you.

**Yes, I'll Sell You Something With… What?  
**By Susan Brankshaw

Today, citizens of Kakariko Village gathered around the town square and stared at a fellow citizen wearing a green tunic. The man/woman, who will be now referred to as "It", was later dragged into jail for causing a scene in public.

"It", as described by witnesses, was seen sitting on his/her knees in the village, constantly slapping his/her hands against his/her thighs.

"I'm not even kidding with you," reported Mr. Forwell, the owner of the village bazaar. "That man wouldn't even stop to give his hands a rest. I mean, they must be completely raw by now."

"It" was accused of loitering and causing a distraction to many civilians.

While the Kakariko Police Department (now hiring) dragged "It" away, he/she kept drunkenly stating "With C... With C... Sell me something with C..." This confused the brave men of our police force, who looked at each other, shrugged, and also charged the man/woman of displaying obvious signs of inebriation.

"People like 'It' should not be allowed to live in our fair town," said Mrs. Brown, the town's most eligible bachlorette who remains, to this day, dateless. "It's people like... him or her, whichever... that make our world terrible. I say we hang... him or her... without a trial!"

Despite Mrs. Brown's bloodthirsty desires, a trial was held on March 26 at four o'clock in the afternoon. While Princess Zelda, our fair judge, repeatedly asked the man/woman how he/she pleaded, "It" only responded by saying "With C... With C... Sell me something with C..."

"It" was dragged out of the courtroom for displaying drunkenness in front of Her Majesty.

"Not only do authorities believe that the man/woman has a horrible alcohol problem," reported Princess Zelda shortly after "It" was drug out of the room, "doctors also agree that 'It' suffers from some kind of psychological disease, in which 'It' believes that people can use things that aren't actually there. In this instance, a 'C' of some sort."

Further investigation is underway.

Copyright March Hylian Times


	3. March 30

A/N: Seriously. I could have over 160 reviews right now. If you're not going to review, don't read the article, period.

The idea of today's article came from the author **The Kirby Emerald**. Read his fics, if you must.

**Scientists Baffled. Search To Discover Secrets Begin.  
**By Andrew Solinsky

Today, two baby Gorons were shocked to discover a lone cow living several feet under the ground near the top of the Death Mountain summit.

The Gorons discovered this oddly placed bovine while playing at the top of a slope. There, they noticed a boulder, which they picked up with ease. This revealed a hole. The Gorons, pretending to be brave explorers about to enter a mysterious cave, hopped down into the hole and were shocked to see a cow chewing lazily on its cud.

The Gorons had never seen such a creature before, so, out of fear, they hurriedly ran back to Goron City and alerted Darunia, the leader of the Gorons. He, in turn, alerted the king of Hyrule, who sent a team of explorers and scientists to investigate. Sure enough, there was a cow in the exact same place the Goron children said.

"We were very surprised," said Dave Barker, leader of the expedition. "The only cows that Hyrule has are kept in Lon Lon Ranch and in Impa's house at Kakariko. Somehow this one must've gotten away."

The cow, which was named Project Bessie, was examined by the scientists for any severe injuries or life-threatening diseases. While they performed this task, the explorers studied their surroundings. The only source of food for the bovine was a lone shrub and a small lake for drinking water.

The team led the cow down the mountain and to Lon Lon Ranch, where it was taken in by owners Talon and Malon. The scientists, who had collected an old manure sample, headed back to their labs to conduct a test on to see how long the cow may have been in the hole.

"We are waiting for the analysis report to come back," says Barker. "However, the scientists believe from observation that the cow may have been living in that hole for seventeen years plus."

Barker hopes that this discovery will help further progress in Hylian science.

"If we can learn how the cow managed to survive off of a small pond and a shrub, we can use this information to conserve our food supply in times of famine. Hopefully, this isn't just a freak coincidence."

Copyright March Hylian Times


	4. March 31

**WMDs Discovered. Fight For Control Begins.  
**By Jeremy Cochran

Just recently, a very deadly weapon was discovered. This weapon is something that is not hard to come by and could possibly even be found in your own backyard.

So what is it? Some sharp sticks? Contaminated water?

The answer is, believe it or not, Cuccos.

Everybody in Hyrule should know what a Cucco is. All toddlers who have ever stepped inside a classroom learn that these bird-like creatures are the counterpart to a bird called a "chicken" in several other places of the world. Until recently, Cuccos and these "chickens" were known to have no differences in their character. That is, until Mr. Joseph Reynolds discovered a deadly secret about these normally timid birds.

Reynolds, a poultry expert, raises Cuccos on his farm and sells them to marketplaces all throughout the land of Hyrule. As Reynolds was loading the birds onto the back of a truck to be shipped, one of them escaped and began to run about frantically. Reynolds immediately gave chase and jumped on top of the bird, pinning it to the ground.

Evidently, the Cucco did not like being handled in this way and immediately began screeching. Reynolds assumed nothing of this, until he noticed that all of the birds already loaded onto the truck began to act as wildly as the Cucco he had pinned. Reynolds watched in awe as the Cuccos began pecking at the locks on their cages, many of them succeeding in breaking them off. The birds that escaped then proceeded to ambush Reynolds, who was rushed to the hospital suffering severe hemorrhage and a slight concussion.

The event that happened that afternoon shocked the populace of Hyrule in such a way that the whole country knew about the event just from word of mouth, the only other source of news besides _The Times_. The news apparently reached many scientists, who immediately began researching what may have caused the incident to have occurred.

After several days of testing the now "malicious" birds, scientists came to a conclusion that, when provoked, a Cucco will call on local comrades to maliciously maul and possibly kill anybody or anything in their path.

"Mr. Reynolds is very lucky to have survived," said one of the scientists involved in this experiment.

Evidently, the results of the experiment reached several world leaders. This includes King Zora, the king of Zora's Domain, Darunia, the leader of the Goron tribe that makes up Goron City, and our own Princess Zelda.

The three world leaders met at Hyrule Castle at seven o'clock in the evening. After much discussion, the leaders agreed that it was very important to harness the power of the Cuccos to keep them from getting into the wrong hands.

With this decision in mind, the three composed the _Anti-Cucco Treaty_, a document that prohibits the use of Cuccos as weapons during times of war. Though all three signed their names at the bottom of the document, there was still some fear in their hearts.

"Though we now know that no one will use the Cuccos as weapons during war, there is still a possibility that they could be used for terrorist attacks," Darunia told our reporters. "The idea of someone using them for radical means makes complete sense."

Though the number of large radical groups in Hyrule is rare, there is definitely one large group that, if using Cuccos, could bring mass destruction to the land of Hyrule: the Garadites of the Gerudo race.

"Garadicism is a religion commonly associated with multiple tribes of the Gerudo Valley," said the princess Zelda. "In its doctrines, it states that terrorism is the only way of life that pleases their god. This is why there are so many suicide bombers in that particular area."

Though with this information, Princess Zelda is convinced that the Garadites will not be using the force of Cuccos anytime soon.

"There have been no reported Cuccos in the Gerudo Valley region," she calmly stated. "In other words, the chances of a Cucco attack by terrorist means is highly improbable. Otherwise, yes, we are indeed royally screwed."

Copyright March Hylian Times


	5. April 1

A/N: I would just like to tell all of you that the ideas for articles three and four were taken from fellow reviewers. I just kind of… screwed them up…

**Vital Source Of Water Considered Threat.  
**By Jonathan Summers

In Kakariko Village, there is only one noted source of water, and that is the well located in the back of the village proper.

The well, which has been used for more than one hundred years, was recently sealed with a stone lid to keep the citizens from drawing water? The reason? Contamination.

The Kakariko Village well isn't like all of the other wells located around Hyrule. It is constantly fed by a windmill, which keeps water pumping into the pit for up to twenty hours. At certain periods of the day, the windmill will stop or speed up, and all water will drain from the well until the windmill resumes its normal cycle. The citizens know this, and their lives rotate around the cycles of the windmill. They gather water in many large buckets just incase the windmill should stop when they need water most.

Yesterday, while the windmill had stopped completely, an inconspicuously placed Little Timmy was playing with an equally inconspicuously placed rubber ball, which bounced off of the ground and into the well, hitting the dry floor with a _pat_. Little Timmy, who had been cautioned by his mother to stay away from the well, patiently sat down and waited for the windmill to start working again. This way, the water would push the ball up to the surface, and Timmy would be able to resume playing.

After a short five seconds of waiting, his ball returned to him, but not because of rising water level. The ball bounded out of the hole as if someone, or something, had _thrown _it back up to him. Little Timmy, scared out of his mind (to say the least), left the ball where it was and ran screaming to his mom.

Timmy's mother, a woman named Angela, contacted Kakariko authorities and asked them to investigate. While the well was still drained, the guards climbed to the bottom of the pit and observed the situation with some horrible and dimly lit candles. However, what they could barely see shocked them.

There, in front of them, was a ReDead, an undead creature known for its paralyzing scream and fatal bite. The guards quickly dropped the candles and left the well, leaving the ReDead to wonder what in the world had just happened.

It was later reported to Angela that Little Timmy's ball had been returned to him by a ReDead, who probably did not like having strange and foreign objects invade his well. They later told curious villagers that there was nothing to worry about, for experiments proved that ReDeads seldom left their original habitat.

However, this brought no peace to the frightened villagers. They were still getting their water from down there.

It was then realized by scientist Paul Druckhammer that the water from the well may be the reason behind Kakariko's high death rate.

"Several of my fellow scientists took a sample of water from the well in Kakariko," explained Druckhammer. "After analysis, the water showed to contain several small bacterial organisms."

Kakariko has suffered from a pandemic known as sophistiosis, a disease from an unknown source that caused its victim to grow very sick and eventually die. Now that bacteria have been found in the well, scientists have no doubt in their minds that this is the source of the deadly disease.

"Sophistiosis does not affect everyone," explained Druckhammer. "People who have lived in Kakariko for the majority of their lives have built immunity to the disease. In a matter of speaking, it's just like drinking the water in Mexico, except this stuff will actually kill you."

Now that the well in Kakariko has been sealed by Princess Zelda, villagers are frightened as to what they will do to get their water. Princess Zelda made an appearance in the village and delivered a speech.

"Fellow inhabitants of Hyrule," she began. "I simply ask you: Dude, what? There's a river outside of your own village. Get your water from there, like the rest of us. Thank you."

Princess Zelda was later recognized as a savior to the village.

It's events like this that make this reporter wonder if sophistiosis is the _only _side effect you get from drinking water in Kakariko…

Copyright April Hylian Times


	6. April 3

A/N: Sorry for not updating yesterday. Had much to do…

**Man Loses Job. Citizens Baffled.  
**By Josh Sturm

Mr. George Hammerstein of Kakariko Village was arrested yesterday for refusing to turn down his music. While citizens tried to sleep, Hammerstein, inside of the Kakariko Windmill, playeda polka-esque song over and over and over again.

At two o'clock in the morning, a castle guard alerted by angry citizens came into the windmill and asked Hammerstein to stop playing and go to bed. Hammerstein refused, claiming that the music he made was what made the windmill turn. The guard asked him once again, and after refusing a second time, Hammerstein was dragged out of the windmill and placed under arrest.

According to Hammerstein, he had been playing inside of the windmill ever since it was erected fifteen years ago. He even claimed that it was his job to stay inside of the windmill to make sure that it ran.

After checking with a Hylianlog of citizenship, it was clarified that it was indeed Hammerstein's job to stay inside the windmill and make sure that it ran properly.

However, this baffled citizens. Even though Hammerstein claimed his music was what made the windmill turn, the windmill continued to run nonstop until certain circumstances happened, none of them involving a cease of polka music. After questioning Hammerstein some more, the guards found out that the only thing the man did inside the windmill was play his songs over and over again, completely oblivious to the windmill itself.

Hammerstein was fired by Impa, head of Kakariko, for negligence of his duty.

Without a man to look after the windmill, the citizens of the village began to wonder what would happen. What if something horribly wrong was to take place and none of them could fix it? Zelda made an appearance to address this issue early in the morning.

"My dear citizens," stated the head of Hyrule in a drowsy manner. "Hammerstein did nothing with the windmill. He said so himself. The windmill has been running with few problems in the past and has always corrected itself. It will continue to do the same. Thank you."

After a few minutes of discussion, the citizens of Kakariko agreed that nothing would happen to the windmill and proceeded in going back to sleep.

Copyright April Hylian Times


	7. April 4

**Scientists Shocked. Cattle Possibly Hiding Something?  
**By David Williams

Just yesterday, Malon, a co-owner of Lon Lon Ranch, reported signs of intelligence from one of the farm animals.

It had all started during the morning when Malon woke up to milk the ranch's dairy cows. As she walked towards the barn, she began to croak out a song that she claimed was composed by her mother. However, when she opened the barn, she ceased singing when she noticed all of the cows were staring at her with wide eyes.

"What a lovely song!" they all said in unison. "It reminds me of the pastures. It lets me make lots of milk! Would you like some of my nutritious milk?"

Malon, shocked beyond belief, stood in place with her mouth gaped open. She later ran out of the barn, leaving the cattle to chew their cuds in silence.

After reporting this strange occurrence to authorities, the authorities later alerted Princess Zelda, who set up grounds for a scientific experiment. Scientists were to find out how the cattle were able to talk and what possessed them to do so.

And so, five cows from Lon Lon Ranch were led to the Hylian Institute of Science (HIS), where they were taken to several observation rooms. All five were placed in the same general area and were watched by surveillance cameras. If they decided to talk, they would be recorded.

No words were exchanged.

After two hours of no conversation, the scientists took the cows to a small lab, where they tethered them to various objects. They then pried the beasts' mouths open and took a look down their gaping maws. There was no evidence of human vocal chords, which only added to the suspicion.

About to lose hope, the scientists remembered that the cows had started talking when Malon first entered the barn. They also kept in mind that she had been singing a tune. In a final attempt, the scientists began to hum the same song the young girl had been singing.

"What a lovely song! It reminds me of the pastures. It lets me make lots of milk! Would you like some of my nutritious milk?"

The scientists rejoiced after the five completed their statement. It was later recorded that the only thing that seemed to make the cows talk was that very song.

However, there was still an amount of suspicion. If a cow could say those sentences in perfect English, surely it must be able to say something else. There was no way that message was embedded into their brains for repetitive use.

After this theory, the scientists began to wonder if cattle may be hiding something from human intelligence. It is very possible, they noted, that the beasts may be planning a conspiracy of some sort, or may be even hiding forms of intelligence. Scientists plan to experiment with this theory in the future.

Even though the cattle (and possibly other animals) may be trying to overthrow the human race, scientists advise citizens to stay calm until further notice.

Copyright April Hylian Times


	8. April 5

A/N: Just a note, this article ain't too humorous. Try to enjoy it anyway.

**Continuous Rain Strikes Fear In Hearts.  
**By Jeremy Cochran

Today in Kakariko Village, citizens of the small town began to panic. Many men were asked to stop their work and go home. Women began to gather food and nonperishable items, while children wondered what was going on.

There was a fear, and that fear was flooding.

Ever since the graveyard in Kakariko Village had been built, people have noticed that there has been a continuous rainfall towards the back of the cemetery. Just today, people began to wonder about the possibilities of a future storm.

Math experts agree that if it has been raining an inch of rain an hour ever since the beginning of the graveyard (an estimated 30 years), there would have been approximately 10,957 inches of rainfall in Kakariko Village.

This baffled many scientists. If there had been that much rainwater, why did Kakariko Village records show no histories of floods? In any other place, three weeks of continuous rain alone would be enough to flood a village.

Though this may be the case, scientists have also noted that every other state in the kingdom of Hyrule has an average of zero inches of rainfall a year. Kakariko Village, on the other hand, has an average of 365 inches of rainfall a year, 366 on leap years.

Let's compare these two sums.

Kakariko Village: 365 or 366 inches of rain a year.  
The rest of Hyrule: 0.

365, 0. 365, 0.

It is evidence like this that led one of Hyrule's top scientists, Dr. Giovanni Longenhans, to develop the _Theory of Divine Protection_.

"The theory is very simple," stated the doctor. "It states that the three goddesses allow rainfall only in Kakariko Village, but use their magick to keep the area from flooding. In this sense, with no rainfall everywhere else, the goddesses provide water to the world's inhabitants through magickal means."

The doctor also states it is possible that the rainwater in Kakariko may be transferred back to the heavens as soon as it hits the ground.

Either way, Kakarikan villagers are advised not to panic about future floods, for evidence shows none are going to happen.

Copyright April Hylian Times


	9. April 6

**Strange Man Located. Spectators Baffled.  
**By Eva Sprague

It has been noted by several travelers that a man who goes by the name of Liir Gale was caught running continuous laps nonstop around just outside Lon Lon Ranch. Having a desire to see if the rumors were true, _The Hylian Times _sent out one of its best interviewers, Joshua Nor, to see if such a man existed. Embarking a quest to find the man and only bringing along a steno pad and pen, Nor managed to find a bizarre-looking man running along the path outside Lon Lon Ranch.

Nor returned the next day, his steno pad filled with notes. What the interview contained, however, shocked many members of our writing staff.

After comparing the interview to an encyclopedia, it seems that Mr. Liir Gale suffers from a disease known as psychopathia, a disease which causes its victim to have long bursts of energy and an obsession with a species of rodents called "rabbits". Common sense shows that having this much stress on the body is not good at all.

Though Gale never directly _said_ to us that he suffered from psychopathia, several scientists agree that from what he said in his interview, his attitudes fit the disease perfectly.

"Psychopathia is a disease that allows one to do things an ordinary human being could never do," said the scientist who diagnosed the man. "In Mr. Gale's case, running for a very long amount of time for days on end. We are uncertain as to where the obsession with rabbits comes from."

Nor's interview showed just _how _obsessed Liir Gale was with rabbits. According to the man himself, rabbits are just about the greatest thing in existence. He claims that the best thing that could ever happen to him would be to turn into a rabbit. If he became a rabbit, he could run a lot faster. Gale even has taken the time to collect rabbit-esque hats.

While scientists are completely clueless about the situation, they hope that someday they will be able to cure psychopathia.

"We are making newer and newer discoveries everyday," explained the scientist. "Hopefully we will be able to cure Mr. Gale, put his body to rest, and get these ridiculous rabbit ideas out of his head."

Copyright April Hylian Times


	10. April 7

**Traveling Salesman Rushed To Hospital.  
**By Andrew Solinsky

Just today, many citizens of Hyrule watched in awe as Mr. Ike Leeman was rushed to the hospital, suffering from extreme dehydration and severely dry skin.

Leeman, a traveling salesman, has justrecently set up shop in the middle of the Haunted Wasteland, a large area of land just west of Gerudo Valley with an extreme desert climate. Leeman's shop consists of only a magic carpet, which flies haphazardly over a pit of quicksand.His only item consists of Bombchus, which he gladly sells to anyone who are daring enough to visit him.

However, a desert climateis probably not the best place to set up shop. A Gerudo traveler found Leeman lying face down on his carpet with extremely red and dry skin. The Gerudo immediately turned back and alerted authorities, who entered the wasteland to save Leeman. He was then rushed to the hospital and is currently being treated in intensive care.

The doctors at the hospital are very surprised that Leeman is even alive. Apparently, Leeman lost so much of the water in his body that his cells have to struggle just to keep alive. While Leeman is currently receiving sips of water every now and then, his skin is being moisturized by highly-trained manicurists who volunteered to bring the man's skin back to health. They also said they would make it extra smooth, free of charge.

Leeman is already sitting up in bed and talking as if nothing ever happened. He says he hopes to get out of the hospital as soon as he can and get back to his station in the Haunted Wasteland.

"Business has been rather poor, yes," said Leeman, "but I still hope to get back to the shop and continue to sell Bombchus to the public. The first five-hundred get two sets of Bombchus for the price of one!"

While the "public" in the Haunted Wasteland may be limited, Leeman plans to go back to the shop in about two weeks.

Copyright April Hylian Times


	11. April 8

**Figurehead Has Heart Attack. Disagreement Ensues.  
**By Joshua Burns

Just yesterday King Zora, ruler of Zora's Domain, suffered from a heart attack at five o'clock in the afternoon.

Witnesses of the spectacle include Princess Ruto, daughter of the king. According to her, King Zora had been sitting on his throne, discussing foreign policy with his advisor, when he fell off his throne and hit the ground with tremendous force. Ruto screamed, and the advisor immediately ran to get medical attention.

King Zora was carried to the hospital ward at lightning pace (not that fast), where he was then diagnosed with a major case of heart disease. However, Dr. Ivan Roberts, the leading heart surgeon of Zora's Domain, was shocked that King Zora even survived.

"I have never seen so much adipose tissue in one place," said Roberts. "It's amazing that the only outcome of this whole ordeal was shock to the family."

King Zora seems to suffer from something called _adipose malnorma, _a disorder that generates an unnecessary amount of fat in the thoracic and abdominal cavities. According to Dr. Roberts, this is the reason behind the king's sudden heart attack.

"King Zora, contrary to popular belief, has a very healthy diet," said the doctor. "This diet includes a variety of home-grown fruits, nuts, and white meats. In other words, the only thing that keeps him from being healthy as a horse would be his case of _adipose malnorma_."

While there is no known cure for the disorder, Roberts is busy looking for one.

"Research shows that _adipose malnorma _is a hereditary disorder. This could cause some problems in the finding of a cure."

In the meantime, the doctor has asked King Zora to quit his rule over Zora's Domain and declare his daughter as the sole authority over the state. The king agreed, and he is now only a figurehead, so to speak, the real ruler now being Ruto.

"I agree it is for the best of the state," said King Zora from his hospital ward. "If I were to have another heart attack and die, Zora's Domain would be thrown into anarchy until my daughter had the common sense to declare the title of ruler. This way, she won't be forced to make such a decision so quickly."

However, a certain foreign ruler is not too thrilled about the decision. This would be Darunia, head of the Goron state.

"Ruto is much too young to be handling Zoran affairs," said the king of the Gorons. "The Zoras and the Gorons have been partners in trade and business for years. What kind of decisions would such a young ruler make? There's a possibility that our economy will go down, sending both states into a crisis."

Princess Ruto, however, seems to disagree.

"I'm fourth in a class of forty-two," said the now current ruler of Zora's Domain. "I've been nominated as class treasurer and have had straight A's ever since my first year at the Zora's Domain elementary school. Mr. Darunia needs to stop being such a hater and needs to chillax."

Copyright April Hylian Times


	12. April 9

A/N: I'm going to say that this may be the last _Hylian Times _entry. It may not be the last ever, but it's may be the last in a long time. Who knows? I'll probably just end it completely.

It hasn't been going on for a long time, yeah, but writing this lets me know why I decided to quit writing my other active fic. Writing fanfics just isn't fun for me anymore. I don't know if it's because of some phase I'm going through or what, but I'm going to have to be perfectly honest in saying that writing entries for this fic felt more like doing homework than doing something for fun.

Much thanks to all of the people who actually decided to use their fingers and review.

Tri

**Kokiri Forest Catches Fire. Few Injured.  
**By Tracy McNeil

Yesterday held the date of the Kokiri Forest Anniversary, a holiday celebrated by the forest children which celebrates the creation of their state. Activities for the celebration include vegetarian cook-offs between some of the forest's highly renowned chefs and fireworks.

Unfortunately, the fireworks were also the cause of a serious accident yesterday.

At precisely eleven o'clock at night, the Kokiri children began lighting the first fireworks. Those unfamiliar with the technology gasped and made statements of awe. These hypnotic statements were later turned into shrieks when one of the fireworks flew into a tree and caught one of the limbs on fire.

Soon enough, the whole forest was ablaze. The children of the forest had no idea what to do, as such an event never happened to them before. Many wondered what would happen if the fire spread to their guardian spirit, the Great Deku Tree.

Word was quickly sent to Princess Zelda by carrier pigeon, asking the monarch to help them. The princess received the letter five minutes later and immediately called for a fire squadron to get to the forest as quickly as they could. This took ten minutes, and the forest was still ablaze.

However, the laws of nature prevailed, and water that was pumped from the squadron's chariots soon doused out the flames.

The Kokiri Forest is currently still smoldering, but the Great Deku Tree is delighted that no one was injured.

"We can make do," said the guardian spirit. "We have been doing so for the past hundred years. The children of the forest will see that everything will work out just fine."

However, many of the Kokiri disagree.

"The trees have been burned to a crisp, along with crops of all kinds," said Mido, the Deku Tree's representative. "All of our nut and berry plantations are in a smoldering heap. What are we supposed to do now?"

Though this may be the case, the Deku Tree tries to remind the Kokiri to keep calm.

If anybody would like to donate to the forest for their loss, please contact the Hylian Help Association today.

Copyright April Hylian Times


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